As I struggle to find the strength to deal with the loss of my beloved husband, I do what I do every day....I turn to the Lord. I do this in good times and I do it in bad times. I turn to Him if I am happy, sad, distraught, joyful.
Do I second guess myself? Yes. I worry all the time. Did I tell him enough that I loved him? Was I short tempered or grouchy with him when I didn't realize how sick he really was. Did I provide him comfort and care to the best of my ability?
Then I saw this sign. And it made me realize that yes, I did tell him I loved him. All the time. I never left the house or even in the end went to bed early every evening without giving him a kiss and telling him I loved him. I helped him up. I took care of him. I showed him in every way I knew how that I loved him. And I know he knew.
We knew he didn't have much time left. Yet, he insisted we maintain as normal to our regular routine as possible. He said it helped ease his mind that we just go on as if nothing was wrong. He didn't want to live out his last days just sitting around way to slip away. It was hard to do.
But as always I turned to my favorite scripture to help me through. When I didn't know where to turn or who to talk to, I just let go and let God. It was already out of my hands.
Throughout my life, I have had a Pollyanna attitude. I have had faith in God and I know that He will provide for me no matter what the situation. So I always try to make the best of whatever comes my way. This is probably the one one bible verse that applies the closest to my personality.
People deal with death many ways. Some grieve themselves until they are sick. They dwell on the negative and refuse to move on with their life. I will grieve my loss until my dying day. I will never forget the love he brought to my life. I will miss him with every beat of my heart. I long to feel his arms wrapped around me one more time. I long for one more gentle kiss as he tells me he loves me. But death robbed me of those things. Over and over and over, we would discuss his passing. And he constantly told me that he did not want me sitting around getting depressed. He wanted what he always wanted for me. For me to be happy. For me to love life. So I have to go on. I can still laugh, while inside my heart is shattered and I wonder how I can face another day without him. I can still smile even while the tears fall inside like a rushing river. I can sit here every day while I make myself sick with the what-ifs and the maybe should'ves. But instead, I will choose to embrace life to the fullest. I choose to celebrate his life and his love by remembering that he loved me with all his heart and I loved him the same way. One day we will be together again and I will rejoice in that moment. But in the meantime, life will go on. I have my wonderful family and five beautiful grandchildren who all live in the same county I do. I can gather them near. We can reminisce and share our wonderful memories of a man who loved us all more than any of them even realized. So from this point forward, even while the tears may fall and the memories may blindside me to the point where the pain brings me to my knees, I will still choose to find the joy that God provides.
RIP my precious love.
Allen Dale Keefer
April 5, 1952 - November 17, 2015
