It was three years ago today that Hubby went to the doctor because the whites of his eyes were getting a little yellow tint. He worked in the food industry so hepatitis was a worry. After a couple of hours testing, he was diagnosed with a liver problem with fatty tissue around his liver causing his blood cell reproduction to go "to sleep". They immediately hospitalized him to try to get his blood count back up and try to plan a strategy. They said they would be keeping him for three days while they did more testing and came up with a treatment plan. On the way home, I was so distraught not knowing what the future was going to hold and I saw this double rainbow when I left the hospital and it was beside or in front of me the entire 45 minute drive home that evening.
I took that as a sign that everything was going to be fine. They had speculated that in a couple of weeks he would be okay and ready to go back to work. He started declining fast and nothing was working. Then three months later, they confirmed that the fatty tissue was actually covering up the fact that he had full blown cirrhosis of the liver. They gave him two months to live and he died two months to the day. One day he was working and 5 months later he was gone.
Where was my rainbow? Where was my promise for everything to work out okay? Well, here I sit three years later. Still loving him. Still missing him with every beat of my heart. But do you know that God's promise was true. God delivered on His guarantee to be with us. He wasn't telling me that Hubby would be cured. He wasn't making a promise that it would all turn out okay in the end. I realize now that God's rainbow was His way of telling me He would be with me through the days and years ahead. And though the ending was not what I had prayed or dreamed for, the ending was exactly in God's plan.
By His grace and mercy and the faith I had in my Lord, I did make it through. I am a survivor and kept my faith. I didn't toss my belief in God to the curb and say "Where were you?" God was the one constant that got me through the dark days after I lost hubby. I got angry at times at the situation but not at God. I fell to my knees in deep, dark despair at times. But I kept my faith and I have made it to the other side of the rainbow. My life is a little different now, but not in a bad way. Was it what I expected it to be at my age? I'm just 61. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Hubby and I had plans for retirement. We still had hopes and dreams. I still have those dreams and I still have hope. It's just that they are different than the ones we shared. I was 59 when I lost him and I had to rebuilt my life.
I would take him back in a heartbeat if I could, but I can't. I try not to let the grief get me down, but sometimes it still rears its head and I will be telling a funny story about a memory and the pain hits and the tears flow. And I just have to stop the story. But I still have the HOPE of that rainbow to get me through those dark moments when doubts, fears, and grief overwhelm. But I get through by taking it one day at a time and holding on to God's unchanging hand.
2 comments:
You are surrounded by a loving family. He has not left you alone.
You have my deepest condolences, Mamaw. When my Dad passed, three years ago also, condolences meant more to me than I would have thought. Somehow grief joins people together and comforts us.
Yes. That rainbow was God's promise to get you through. I think you are a strong woman of faith, Brenda, and it shows in all you do. You live a servant's life and bless so many each day. You bless me each day with your posts!! Love & hugs!
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